Tips for successful communication with your teenager
"YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!" <SLAM>
Anyone with a teen has been there. But how do you respond? In kind by yelling back? Or by ignoring? Or is there a different way? We have some suggestions.
Aim to understand - Why is why your daughter is texting her friend when she's supposed to be studying for her maths test? Why does your son have cigarettes in his blazer pocket? You may not comprehend, but remember they live in their reality and you live in yours.
Perhaps your daughter is anxious about an argument with her friend and needs to make up before she can concentrate on her maths revision. Perhaps your son wants to fit in with his friends. Aim for understanding. Try an approach like, 'I understand how hard it is when you feel you don't fit in. I also know that smoking increases your chance of contracting lung cancer or other diseases when you're still quite young. It's my job as a parent to keep you healthy and safe so let's sit down and talk about this.”
It's important not to say, 'I understand...BUT...' the 'but' puts teens on guard. Aim for a conciliatory tone every time and they will be more inclined to listen… not always, but more often.
Don't take it personally - Mostly teens don't set out to annoy you, but emotions on both sides quickly escalate, and emotions are the enemy when trying to communicate effectively. Teenagers are adults with training wheels and probably require more and better parenting than toddlers. Being angry at a teen for being them is futile. They may be making a poor choice, but the truth is, they might not yet have the skill set to make a better one. Our job is to help guide them to better choices so they can, in turn, develop better problem-solving skills. I repeat to myself, 'This is the job of parenting, what's the best approach here?' If I catch myself quickly, it works. But it's not easy and if I don't catch myself in time then emotions spill over and we all end up shouting! But like any other skill, it gets easier with practice.
Ask questions but make them honest, not loaded - "Why can't you be more responsible / get up on time / pick your clothes up?" These are loaded questions which your teen can’t answer.
Instead try, "You know you have problems getting up in the morning? Can you think of any solutions?" If they can't think of one offer a couple of your own and ask which they prefer. As parents our goal is to help our teen think critically. What might be the consequences of a particular action? How would they feel if that happened? This approach helps them feel empowered and gives a greater chance of a successful resolution.
Finally...
Don’t Do or say Anything Until You’re Both Calm - You don’t have to respond to your teen when you and they are upset. You can choose to say nothing and take a few more minutes.
When emotions have evened out, sit down and talk with them. Sometimes they will still want to fight. Stay firm and calm. Repeat in your head "I'm not being drawn in." This self-talk does help and over time should calm the situation down.
Staying calm isn’t easy. We all get pulled back into a fight occasionally. But deep down they love you, and sometimes they just need to hear that you love them too, no matter what.
By Sarah Davey